I have been a heavy user of cocaine over 8 years now, taking it nearly every day now. I have it on my own, I suffer depression, anxiety panic attacks, and phobia, never go out or socialize anymore, let myself go, lost bond with kids, feel isolated, lonely, and scared. I feel I am 2 different people; a monster inside me wakes up for cocaine, I sell myself sometimes, cash for sex, so I get cocaine every night. That's all I think about; where I am to find more cash to get another bag. My nose has a hole so bad I can put the whole of my finger in, feel bones of jaw and cheekbone. My throat dries up so bad I gag for breath, when coke sticks to my vocal chords it takes away my voice till I can cough ok. I blow scabs out every day to clear my nose, my eyes water all the time and I think my right side face has actually dropped. My eyes are not the same as each other, one has drooped down a bit, and my fingers on my left hand are constantly numb. I am scared I will die soon. I am 45 years old and ashamed of myself. I hate myself so much I want to die.